If You Want Some, Get Some

He passed this morning.

Rest In Peace Grandpa.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I talked to my mom and found out that my Grandfather has cancer. When they opened him up for surgery all they found was a shit load of it and just desided to sew him up and let him die. The hospital is keeping him as comfortable as possible. They drug him up with all types of medication and then leave him alone. My mother told me that he is helucinating and talking about the golfer or cat or airplane in the room one minuet and cursing her out the next. This medication is making my grandfather a complete nut case. My mom was trying to explain to me the amount of verbal abuse that he has put her through and she started to cry. I think that statement put me over the edge. She is out there trying to help her father and all he is doing is putting her down and giving her problems. In his defense it is only the medication but it is so heart breaking to hear my mom's stories.

I got a call from my dad yesterday and found out that they had to resusitate him. They aren't giving him that much longer to live.

I wish that he would just get better, but i know that is a request that is just so irrational at this point.

So I talked to my mom a few days ago. She couldnt stay on the phone for too long bc my grandfather needed her. She has appearently been sobbing on the phone to my father every night. She told him last night that my grandfather called her and cussed her out for not being there in 2 days. When in reality she has been by his side since the second she got there. Thats how far out of it the morphine and other medications are making him.
My uncle flew out there for some support as well. I fear that they are prepairing for his death. How can you have the courage to plan someones funeral when they are still living? That is just a little too morbid.

Bill took me out Sunday to help ease my mind a little bit. He took me to Ulta and then to get my nails done. His birthday is friday and I have no clue what I am going to get him. I keep asking him what he wants for his birthday and he keeps saying "you". Bah...

Gina has a date on Friday. I have got those big sister emotions just flowing. On one hand I am so extrememly happy for her but on the other hand I want to choke that little 15 year old boy up and make him realize if he ever breaks her heart I will cut off his ding-a-ling and shove it down his throat.

Oh well to everything... things will work out.

I finally got some information on my dad's game plan for my grandfather. He simply told me that he isnt doing anything unless he dies. And just yesterday morning he was speaking like we were going to jump on a plane and visit my grandfather. He told me that some nurse came into my grandfather's room and asked my mom if "they told her". WTF is that supposed to mean?!?! My mom has a meeting with the doctors later this afternoon and i guess that is when we will finally find out what is really going on with his health. I hate the waiting. I wish that I could fast forward through time and see what God has in store for us. Then that way maybe I will able to mentally prepair myself for the future.

Oh, one more thing:
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Kelly's death. FUCK!

Here is the poopy scoopy-

This horrible day all started out with a phone call to my dad to check on the status of my grandfather. He just kept repeating himself throughout the coversation "prepair for the worst Tia, tie up any loose ends in case we have to hop on a plane". My mother had to go to AZ bc my grandfather was hospitalized for a colapsed lung and the damn thing kept filling with fluid. And his remaining lung had already been diagnosed with emphasema years prior. So needless to say they desided on surgery. Well, yesterday they put him through surgery and when he was finished my mother was patiently waiting in the waiting room for some updated information on his health. All the doctors ended up telling her was that she would have to come back the next day bc he was in intensive care. Obviously with that information she wasnt able to sleep well so when I called her this afternoon she was laying down for a nap and i just desided to let her rest if she was able.

Im sick, I was sent home from work today bc I was running a fever and I had a cough so bad it sounded like angry geese trying to take over the office. Feels like the flu/bronchitis. Unfortunately Im not eligable for med insurance quite yet with my job bc im not passed my 90 probationary period (1 more month to go).

So I came home and eventually passed out after tossing and turning for close to an hour and a half. I woke up to Bill coming in with a chocolate rose and a little green plush puppy dog. He said that he hopes this helps me get better. And then he said that he picked up something for the both of us (he is sick as well) and then pulls out some musinex and day quil/nite quil combo package. My hero!

After thanking him I got to thinking about my grandfather and what news my own dad was recieving from my mom. So I called him and as usual no new news. I just hope that he get a hold of my mother tonight and it turns out that he is recoving back on track.

I have been iming that roomate, but ever since I told her what I thought she has not responded. Truth hurts, I guess. Childish actions lead to loneliness because sooner or later she will realize that its not all about her. And the ones who give a damn about her will realize that they dont have time for childish games. I would hate to lose her as a friend, but I guess she hasnt realized that a true friend shakes her out of actions that could lead to trouble. I guess that is just a trait that she will have to grow into at her own time.

I have been working hard at fixing my financial issues. I am storing every bit of money that I earn so that I can get out of debt. I owe so many people money that I just dont have. I got paid today so within the next two weeks im hoping to be out of the finacial burden that I have dug for myself. Thats what I get for being lazy and thinking that I didnt have to work for all those weeks.

I really am learning a lot from Bill's mom on how to manage a realationship. When I grumble about being ignored because he is so absorbed in his hobbies she pulls me aside and says "would you rather him be working on a car or working on another woman". And she is right. She is 100% right. So whenever I start to get angry with Bill over something stupid, I think to myself... is this issue worth losing him over. And so far, no issue that I have construed in my head is worth losing him over. I am learning and growing everyday for the better. When I look back at how my life was a few short months ago I really am sickened on how I was acting. I was more worried on what guy was next on my list then how to set my priorities and take care of what needed to be taken care of.

The whole apartment thing was just one big learning experience. And I no longer look back at that and wince at the choices that I had made. It was hard, yes. But I guess now that its almost over I am rejoycing, that I had the opportunity to live on my own for a short while and pay my own bills and just be, me. That experience was the start of adulthood. And even though I sometimes look back at childhood and wish I was there again, with no worries or true stress. I can honestly say that I am happy. Im happy with the way things are going and happy with the experiences that I was able to encounter.

I havent updated in a while, so here we go:

Bill and I are doing fantastic! I am living with him and his family until we can save enough money to get a place of our own. Me and him are real. And I am starting to realize that. He is my man, my protector, my workoholic. lol. The roomies and I are getting out of the apt soon. *cough* thank god *cough*. The tension there is just unbarable anymore. There is whats going on in short.

To all those people who like to leave negative feedback on my journal: get your thumb out of your ass and go be a jerk somewhere else.

So Bill surprised me after a long night of christmas shopping. We were lugging all 500 bags of goodies for everyone back to his house and then we pull up in front of this house with like a billion lights. He took me to one of those people's houses who over do the lights at christmas. We seen it from the highway a few days prior. So we strolled through this garden of lights while holding hands and enjoying eachother and the festivities. Isnt it funny how something so small and inexpensive can leave such a memory. It was one of those moments that I wanted to dwell in forever.

So im waiting for Bill to get here to rub my feet. Damn he is so good to me.

What a long fuckin day at work. I am ready to kill someone over them stupid ass candles. I wish they all just burned up with them bitches.

Another long ass day awaits me tomorrow. Another 7 hour hell hole at the candles of love. AHHH I wish they all just went away.

thanksgiving was fun. First Bill and I went over his parents house and had thanksgiving dinner. lol. I played with bill's 11 year old cousin for the majority of the night. surprisingly it was sooo fun. We colored and then played checkers... but we stopped after 5 mins of checkers bc we were bored. After spending time with his family we went to mom-mom and pop-pop's house. I got to see my cousins that I havent seen since summer time. Its good to be reconnected with them. Unfortunately Jeremy couldnt be there which made me kind of sad. I really wish that he had the chance to meet Bill.

l0l bill thought his family was crazy until he met mine. my uncle george asked me if the hickies on my neck were a bruise from a racket ball match. My jaw just about hit the floor because he said it in front of EVERYONE. i wanted to hang myself.

bill thinks im wierd bc i asked him to choke me today. I dont know why. I just wanted to see how long i would last until i gasped for air. in all reality it kind of turned me on.

i wish this week never ended. i got comfortable being with him day and night. its going to be hard going back to only seeing him when time permits and when permission is granted. damnit! i wish that i could just fly away with him. and never look back.

thats all for now kids.

I deleted every stupid number out of my phone. Everyone dealing with Patrick. Every guy that I have messed with in the past. The only male numbers that are in my phone right now are family or close friends. All for him.

He told me he loved me tonight. And I didnt run away screaming in fear. I said it back.

We had sex for the first time tonight. It was more like making love then fucking. I hate to say that the experience is not what I am used to. But maybe that is a good thing. I felt as if everything was going to be ok. When I am in his arms I feel like the world has no problems. That everything is going to be ok. That no matter what comes along, he will be there to protect me.

I feel like I am worth something when I am with him. The feeling of emptiness is no longer existant when he is with me. He fills that void and I am so grateful for that.

Ok... I am falling hard for this one. He is playful and sweet and oh so caring! WTF am i doing? I am scared as all hell to fall completely for this one. I have a feeling that he wouldnt hurt me but there is always the "what if?". I wish that I could just let my guard down and give in to him. I wish that I had the strength and courage to give him all of me.

I got to meet his parents tonight. They are such cool frickin people! They just remind me of this little italian family who has its problems, but they dont care. All they know how to do is love eachother even more. They are sooo sweet. It was his mom's birthday and while she was eating her cake his dad picked up the plate and smushed it in her face. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen. Bill said its family tradition. That is so cool.

Chrissy did a tarot card reading for the relationship and it was actually not half bad. The ending card was a chariot. She said that usually means the "m" word and I ran down the hallway. lol.

Why dont I let myself be happy?!

i met someone. he is so sweet! but i suck. he told me that he loved me and i got in my car and drove away. how the fuck can u love someone in 1 week. how? i dont understand. he wants me to meet his mom and he is all kinds of awsome. He spoiles me so rotton. I dont know if i can handle this. i dont know if im ready for this. wtf am i supposed to do?

I pissed missy and rick off. Bill stayed here all weekend and they were not happy about that at all. I dont know if missy and rick even came home last night. or at all today. i hope all is ok with them. they are probally just too pissed off to look me in the face right now.

chrissy and i had wierd days. so im a little intoxicated right now. we stole her mom's rum and made milkshakes with it. it didnt turn out as good as i had hoped.

whatever.

So Chrissy and I went to the Gym (pronounced Gime) and I made up my own little song.

Fat kids, fat kids, lovely little fat kids... chorus.

Trying to be skinny but they cant because they are fat kids... verse 1

chorus

They go to the gym (Gime) every day and try to lose the chub but they try to hard and its useless because they are.... verse 2

chorus.

Thats what i got so far. Any suggestions on how to lower the self esteem of fat kids around the world such as I, please help me add to the song.

Spataliansweetie [6:27 PM]: hey honey
BTLoveGun21 [6:28 PM]: hey whats up swety
BTLoveGun21 [6:28 PM]: sweety
Spataliansweetie [6:28 PM]: not much
Spataliansweetie [6:28 PM]: missing you like usual
Spataliansweetie [6:28 PM]: what are u up to?
BTLoveGun21 [6:28 PM]: workin workin workin
Spataliansweetie [6:29 PM]: lol as usual
Spataliansweetie [6:29 PM]: i left a message on ur phone.
BTLoveGun21 [6:29 PM]: thats al the army want you to do
Spataliansweetie [6:29 PM]: like a month ago
BTLoveGun21 [6:29 PM]: it was stil on
Spataliansweetie [6:29 PM]: yeah
Spataliansweetie [6:29 PM]: surprisingly
BTLoveGun21 [6:29 PM]: its not supost to be
Spataliansweetie [6:29 PM]: i know
BTLoveGun21 [6:29 PM]: what u say
Spataliansweetie [6:30 PM]: just. Hey John, this is Tia. Its October (whatever) at around ? o'clock. And I am just on my way to the apartment and I thought of you. I just wanted to say that I miss you terribly and I cant wait until you get home.
BTLoveGun21 [6:31 PM]: gotcha
Spataliansweetie [6:31 PM]: so this movie came out
Spataliansweetie [6:31 PM]: yesterday
Spataliansweetie [6:31 PM]: and i want to go see it with u
Spataliansweetie [6:31 PM]: its called Jarhead
Spataliansweetie [6:32 PM]: have u heard of it?
BTLoveGun21 [6:33 PM]: nope but im guesing it has to do with the marines
Spataliansweetie [6:33 PM]: i thought it was the Army
BTLoveGun21 [6:34 PM]: nope
Spataliansweetie [6:34 PM]: ok im slow.
Spataliansweetie [6:34 PM]: so what is your views on us John. Do you think we will be together when u get home? Or are you not interested anymore?
BTLoveGun21 [6:36 PM]: to tell you the truth i dont really know my plans for when i get home im gonna take it one day at a time
Spataliansweetie [6:37 PM]: i have not let myself get close to anyone here.
Spataliansweetie [6:37 PM]: and i keep pushing people away
Spataliansweetie [6:37 PM]: in fear that you are going to come home and want me again.
BTLoveGun21 [6:38 PM]: im gonna give you some advise my sarg gave me here
Spataliansweetie [6:38 PM]: please do.
BTLoveGun21 [6:39 PM]: i cant promise you anything but just do you meaning do what you feel is right and gonna happen
BTLoveGun21 signed off at 6:39 PM

I just woke up with the worst feeling in the world. i was woken up out of the deepest sleep with a "feeling"

Something just isnt right.

I think I just got stood up. damn.

So I went out with Steph and my cousin tonight. We went to Eagle Diner. Yes Missy- I did say Eagle Diner. I haven't been there since "the incident". The owner was staring at me the entire time like "where do I know her from". LMAO. But only I knew. Well, Missy would have known too, but she wasnt there.

I have macara in my eye.

I did manage to get about 3 hours of sleep this afternoon. That kept me awake for a little while. And now as I sit here, in this lonely apartment, I am starting to think. And thinking is bad. I need to go find something to do. I wonder who is awake right now.

Ok, Enough ramblings. Im going to venture out and see the wonderful sights of rural DE/MD.

Horray.

I walked in the door not too long ago from a long night of fun filled activities. Something that I really needed to relieve all this undesired stress. Maybe Im greedy bc I could go for another night like that all over again.

Fuckin CRAZY!

I have never felt so alone. I am depressed as all hell and I would love nothing more then to overdose of anything. Too bad I dont have the balls to do it. Im angry and oh so depressed. Kill me now. Please kill me now.

Stupid job, stupid emotions, and stupid stupid drama.

Fuck it all. I think Im going to bed.

bah, whatever.

So I got fired today.

Im feeling kind of down.

Thats it.